The Need for Real Community & Friendship

Sep 25

10 min read

Updated: Sep 26

THE NEED FOR COMMUNITY & FRIENDSHIP

During the dreadful covid era (2020-2021) there was a lot of talk about what was essential--essential being who or what we can't live without. One of things we learned during that time is that community is essential. We were not meant to live life alone or in solitude. We were meant to live in community with other people. We go crazy without it!

Take the tv series Alone, for example. Airing for 13 seasons, the show tested contestants to see how long they could survive in a remote wilderness alone with limited resources. The main reason why people quit wasn't that they didn't have everything they needed to survive physically. They had food. They had water. They had shelter. But what they didn't have is community! And that's the main reason why people quit. They quit because they couldn't handle the psychological toll of extreme isolation. They missed being around people!

C.S. depicted this well in The Great Divorce. In it, he describes hell as a deserted, dystopian "Grey Town" where no one could get along so they moved farther and farther apart until they live completely isolated lives. The only place where anyone "gathered" was at the bus stop where people were seeking to leave Grey Town.

The truth that C.S. Lewis is communicating, that the History Channel was leveraging, and that we witnessed during covid, is that we were designed by God (a Trinitarian God, I might add) to do life in community with others!

However, we also need to take this one step further and consider the essential nature of deep friendships because the reality is, you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely.

For example, while many teenagers would report that they have a great number of friends, they wouldn't say they have a lot of close friends. And there’s a BIG difference, isn’t there? Having friends is not the same as having good, close friends. Friends that you can trust. Turn to for support. Friends that will tell you what you need to hear even though you don't want to hear it. Friends that are there for you no matter what.

I was reminded of this recently when I came across a news article about the 20-year-old Pennsylvania man who tried to assassinate President Trump in 2024. It was said that he

"never identified anyone as a friend throughout middle school and high school... When agents interviewed [his] parents the day after the shooting, his father told investigators that although his son socialized with classmates, the gunman told him they were not his friends.”[1]

To me, this was a reminder that it’s important to have real friends. It’s so easy for Satan to mess with us and get in our head when we live in isolation. We need real Christian community and deep, godly friendships.

However, the sad reality is that the percentage of Americans with no close friends has quadrupled since 1990 [2]. We are lonelier than ever(!), and I think part of that is due to trying to replace real friends with social media likes. We struggle to have real friendships now because it's easier to use social media to try and fill that gap. Friendship takes work!

With this being said, I want to examine maybe the best friendship recorded in the Bible and some principles that we can use to be better friends ourselves.

A PICTURE OF GOOD FRIENDSHIP

The friendship is found in 1 Samuel 18-20 and is between David (before he was king) and Jonathan (King Saul’s son who was in line to be king). Immediately after David killed Goliath, many people in Israel started to admire David, including Jonathan.

1 Samuel 18 says,

1 Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself.

Other translations say,

· Jonathan became one in spirit with David (NIV)

· There was an immediate bond between them (NLT)

2 Saul took him that day and did not let him return to his father’s house. 3 Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. 4 Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, with his armor, including his sword and his bow and his belt. 5 So David went out wherever Saul sent him, and prospered; and Saul set him over the men of war. And it was pleasing in the sight of all the people and also in the sight of Saul’s servants.

Have you ever met someone and immediately thought, “I could be good friends with them!” That’s what happened with David and Jonathan. They understood each other and admired one another. They were both warriors with great pride in their country and their God. They were both men of faith and courage--so much so that it says their souls were knit together. You could say they were soul brothers!

I have a lot of friends who I would say are brothers in Christ. We know each other and work together for the gospel. But then there are the soul-brothers--people I have deep roots with or that I see eye-to-eye with and have the same values, priorities, et cetera. You know what I mean. Jonathan and David were on that level.

While David and Jonathan were best friends, their friendship was also complicated because naturally speaking, Jonathan was next in line to be king--not David. However, God was clearly with David and Jonathan recognized that. We might even say that Jonathan had submitted to God anointing David king before it happened because by this time, Samuel had prophesied that Saul would not have an heir on the throne (meaning Jonathan's out). In this passage, you begin to see the way Jonathan submitted to that prophecy and made a covenant with David (v. 3).

Soon, Jonathan would be forced to make some extremely difficult decisions in order to honor this covenant with David because Saul still wanted Jonathan to be the next king. As David’s popularity grew, Saul grew increasingly suspicious of him. Time and time again, Saul tried to kill David and even told Jonathan to kill David, but Jonathan refused. Most people in Jonathan’s shoes would have tried to keep the throne anyway. But Jonathan never let the throne get between their friendship. Contrary to Saul's desires, Jonathan protected David and sacrificed for him.

Any honest soul desires a friendship as committed as David and Jonathan's. Deep down, we all long for close friends to do life with. However, these kind of friendships don't happen overnight. There's no magic wand to close friendship. Like so much in life, if you want to build something great, it takes great intentionality and investing. It takes sacrifice. So let's dive into some biblical principles on friendship that we see played out in the friendship of David and Jonathan.

FOUR PRINCIPLES FOR GOOD FRIENDSHIP

Good friends stick with you.

Proverbs 18:24 says,

“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”

This verse is describing is exactly what was said of the president's attempted assassin mentioned earlier. He socialized with many classmates, but didn't have any friends or close friends.

The words “sticks” in this verse is a Hebrew word that has the idea of being attached or glued to something. It reminds me of my dog refusing to let go of her fetching ball or the grip of a infant on a cheerio (good luck getting either one of those back!).

Moses used this word to describe someone who is faithful to God. They stick with God. They hold fast to God.

Some people in your life are acquaintances who come and go. You know about them, but you don’t know them personally. Good friends are going to stick closer than maybe a blood relative (a brother). They are going to make it a point to stay in touch. They notice when you’re not there or when something isn't right in your life because they are "glued" to you. They know you. They are faithful to you. These kind of friends provide something for your soul that no number of acquaintances ("many companions") can ever satisfy.

Biblical friendship is characterized by that kind of loyalty and commitment. Even if your family gives up on you, a true friend won’t. If you have a friend like that, thank God for them! They’re a gift!

2. Good friends are on stand-by.

What I mean by this is that they’re ready to step in when you need them, especially during difficult seasons.

Proverbs 17:17 says,

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

A true friend isn't just around when life is fun and everything is going well. True friendship reveals itself most poignantly in difficult seasons. They love you at all times, even in adversity.

We see this in Jonathan and David’s friendship. No matter what Saul wanted Jonathan to do to David, Jonathan honored their covenant and looked out for David, even if it meant putting his own life on the line.

In 1 Samuel 20:31, Saul told Jonathan,

“As long as that son of Jesse is alive, you’ll never be king. Now go and get him so I can kill him!”

But Jonathan stood up for him and said,

“Why should he be put to death? What has he done?”

Then, he went and helped David escape.

True friends are like that. They won’t leave you when the friendship no longer benefits them. They’re not in it for themselves. They are in it no matter what. Here are a couple of quotes that illustrate this well:

"Foul-weather friends are the only ones worth having.”

In other words, they’re not just showing up when the weather is fair, but when it’s foul. Sometimes we don’t really know who our friends are until we encounter hard times. Remember those who show up when the bottom drops out and you have nothing to offer in return. The well-known evangelist, D.L. Moody once said,

“A true friend is like ivy—the greater the ruin the closer he clings.”

Thank God for your foul-weather, ivy-like friends who are there when you need them most. You can call them or text them at any time and you know they will be there as soon as possible.

Good friends sharpen you.

Proverbs 27:17 says,

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

In other words, they make us better. Help us to think better. To live better. To follow Jesus better.

Encouraging us when we're discouraged
Correcting us when we're wrong
Challenging us spiritually
Helping us see our blind spots

Proverbs 27:6 adds,

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”

A biblical friend is willing to tell you the truth even when the truth is uncomfortable. On a lighter note, they'll also let you know when you have something stuck in your teeth or your fly is down! (You know this is true!)

Proverbs 27:9 adds,

"Oil and perfume make the heart glad, and the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel."

Back in the day, oil and perfume were associated with health, honor, celebration, wealth, and refreshment. This proverb teaches that a good friend's counsel is like that: refreshing and stimulating. It reminds me of a cold shower after a long, dirty day of work outside in the summer heat.

People who avoid the company of others fail to benefit from this give and take that is only found in close relationships. Sometimes the sharpening can be abrasive and unpleasant, but it usually yields better people.

If these things are true (and they are), it means we need to choose our friends wisely--especially our closest friends or those whom we let influence us the most.

We should select our friends wisely.

Proverbs 13:20 says,

“Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.”

Paul gives a similar warning in 1 Corinthians 15:33.

“Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company corrupts good morals.’”

An old gentleman I once knew said it this way:

“It’s hard to fly with the eagles when you’re surrounded by turkeys.”

It’s hard to walk with Jesus if the people closest to you aren’t walking with Him too. They’ll tend to drag you down and away from God. This isn't to say we shouldn't have friends who aren't Christian. It's just saying that we need to choose our closest friends wisely because we become like those whom we surround ourselves with.

At a young age, it’s extremely tempting to make friends based on popularity or wanting to be liked. This almost always lends itself to a performance-based relationship. If you make friends that way, what happens when you don’t "perform" well? When you miss the game winning shot or do something embarrassing? When you are pressured to go along with them in something you know is wrong? The friends you really need are not going to do that. They are going to be respectful of who you are and are there for you even when it doesn't benefit them in any way. They love you unconditionally. They sacrifice for you. They notice when you're down and need a hand up. In the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 4:9-10,

"Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."

As you consider who your friends are, maybe ask these questions:

“Who is helping me move toward Jesus? Who shows up when I'm down? When there is no benefit to them?”

If you don’t have a close friend like we’ve been discussing, consider being that friend first. Think of someone who you would like to build a stronger friendship with and go from there. Pray for a friendship like David and Jonathan's. Maybe there’s someone you consider a friend, but they’re not a close friend because you’re not committed enough. Reach out to them. See if you can be there for them in any way this week. Sacrifice for it.

And always remember, the greatest friend we have is Jesus! Even when we don't have any "close friends," we have thee closest friend in Jesus (John 15:15). He knows us inside and out and loves us anyway.

"What a friend we have in Jesus,

all our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit,

O what needless pain we bear,

all because we do not carry

everything to God in prayer!"

In Christ with you,

Pastor Justin

P.S. Shout out to my friend Ed, a soul brother in the Lord.